Jim Wilder writes in his book, The Pandora Problem: “Without healthy shame there is no transformation.” Allowing a narcissist’s toxic behavior to go unchecked worsens team dynamics. Healthy shame messages give individuals a chance to grow and become more Christ-like. Unlike toxic shame, which devalues a person by suggesting they are inherently bad, healthy shame communicates that their behavior is not acceptable and encourages improvement.
Healthy shame is rooted in compassion and aims to help individuals form more joyful relationships. It communicates “We are not glad to be with you” when helping us notice what we did that wasn’t good for our group. It sends a message that while current behavior is harmful, better ways exist, and improvement is possible. The goal is growth and better relationships, not fixing the person.
When someone cannot accept a healthy shame message they usually react with: 1) self-justification, 2) denial of the problem, or 3) pain for the messenger. When it is the owner or boss, they will use their status and these responses to suppress dissent. It is unlikely that they will ever transform.
Watch yourself! “If you’re pointing your finger at someone calling them a narcissist when they growl at you and you growl back or complain about them, then you have just become the narcissist,” says Barbara Moon.
Proverbs 15:31: “Whoever heeds life-giving correction will be at home among the wise.”
When you feel shame from correction do you self-justify? Do you blame, defend, or attack? Or do you receive and process it in a relationally healthy way?
Can you handle the shame? Let’s talk: brent.stromwall@eosworldwide.com.
Very well said. Concise and important!