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Writer's pictureBrent Stromwall

You Can’t Handle the Shame! Pt 1 - Narcissism



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“Of course I’m right! You’re clueless about this,” shouted Liz, a narcissistic leader, to her peer, Vick, when he challenged her. Her outbursts silence Vick and the rest of the team. Liz left the meeting feeling victorious while everyone else wondered how much longer they would tolerate her behavior. 


In many teams that I work with there’s a person whose behavior intimidates others. Fearful team members are hesitant to call out the individual’s mistreatment of others, disregard for guidelines or standards, or incessant need to win or be right. Conflict with these “scary” people is avoided, their bad behavior persists, and the team’s fragile health further erodes.


In his book, The Other Half of Church, Dr. Jim Wilder defines narcissism as “the inability to metabolize shame in a relational way,” (157). Shame is what we feel when someone else is not glad to be with us. 


Individuals who often behave with narcissistic tendencies are unable to handle failure or healthy correction maturely. Instead of learning from their mistakes and growing from their failures (becoming more Christ-like), they resort to self-justification. This can take the form of blaming others, deflecting responsibility, or even sabotaging team efforts to protect their fragile self-image.


We all (yes, all) have the tendency to rationalize or justify our own decisions or behavior. Self-justification gives us the ability to maintain a sense of control so that we won’t feel shame again. By attacking and shutting others down, the narcissist avoids feeling shame.


We’ll discuss how to address this dysfunction next month.

Let’s talk about your team’s health: brent.stromwall@eosworldwide.com.

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