When Leaders Let Shame Teach: How Humility Turns Setbacks into Comebacks

The Moment Most Leaders Miss:

I used to believe good leadership meant pushing through mistakes quickly. Learn the lesson, fix the problem, move on. Dwelling felt inefficient. Weak, even. But looking back, there were moments when I wasn’t actually learning—I was defending myself. I would explain why it made sense and why we shouldn’t change. Justifying the decision. Minimizing the impact—primarily on me.

I told myself I was being resilient. What I was really doing was avoiding shame.

That avoidance didn’t protect me. It quietly limited my growth and strained my relationships. Shame, when handled well, is not a leadership failure. It’s one of the primary ways mature leaders correct course and grow.

After some self-evaluation, you may recognize this pattern in your own life. You might have experienced moments where feedback felt irritating instead of helpful, or where you quickly explained why a decision made sense rather than slowing down to examine its impact. You may notice yourself moving on quickly after a misstep, avoiding follow-up conversations, or quietly hoping the issue fades with time. You might recognize a tendency to double down, to talk more than listen, to stay busy, or to shift the conversation to what’s next. You may even notice defensiveness showing up subtly in your tone, your body language, or your impatience with questions. These patterns are common among capable, driven leaders. And without the capacity to face shame, they rarely lead to correction.

Shame, Correction, and the Stiff-Necked Leader:

Shame has a negative connotation and a bad reputation, and understandably so. Toxic

shame crushes identity. It tells us that we, as people, are no good or of no value. When

shame functions this way, it does not lead to repentance or growth; it leads to hiding,

defensiveness, and isolation. But that is not the only way shame operates.

Healthy shame serves a different purpose. It signals that something about our behavior,

judgment, or impact missed the mark. It calls us back to who we are meant to be.

Whether a setback becomes a comeback often depends on how a leader responds to

the shame that follows failure. An emotionally mature person can feel that signal, stay

relational, adjust, and grow.

Scripture consistently contrasts this posture with what it calls being stiff-necked—a refusal to bend, listen, or change. A stiff-necked leader doesn’t lack intelligence, experience, or information. They lack the capacity to remain open while wrong.

“Whoever remains stiff-necked after many rebukes will suddenly be destroyed—without

remedy.” (Proverbs 29:1)

That destruction is rarely immediate or dramatic. It usually appears first in relationships.

Trust erodes. Feedback dries up. People stop telling the truth. Over time, the leader becomes isolated, overconfident, or controlling not because they intend harm, but because correction feels threatening.

Psychiatrist Curt Thompson helps us understand why. Drawing from attachment theory, neuroscience, and theology, Thompson describes shame as fundamentally relational. He writes, “Shame is the experience of feeling fundamentally unseen, unwanted, and unlovable.” 1 When leaders experience shame as a threat to belonging, self-protection often takes over. If being wrong risks disconnection or loss of influence, staying open no longer feels safe.

This is where stiffness takes root. Leaders justify, deflect, or push through not because they are unwilling to grow, but because remaining open feels dangerous. Correction becomes something to avoid rather than a gift to receive.

Stiff-necked leaders don’t just stall their own growth. They damage relationships, cultures, and eventually the very businesses they want to thrive.

What Happens When Shame Can’t Be Processed:

Neuroscience offers a precise and sobering explanation for this pattern. Dr. Jim Wilder names the inability to recover relationally after shame as a serious maturity issue, not merely a personality quirk.

“The technical term for an inability to return to joy from shame is narcissism.” 2 Wilder is not using the word casually. Neurologically and relationally, when shame overwhelms a person’s capacity, the brain shifts into self-protection. Responsibility feels dangerous. Vulnerability feels threatening. The system adapts by deflecting blame, justifying behavior, or pushing through without reflection, often with little consideration for those around them.

In leaders, this often looks like confidence. In reality, it is fragility.

Unprocessed shame doesn’t disappear. It reorganizes leadership around self-

protection.

What the Science Shows (Plain English):

Research in interpersonal neurobiology helps explain why this matters so much. Dr. Allan Schore’s work on affect regulation shows that learning and adaptation require emotional regulation, particularly in the right hemisphere of the brain. When shame or threat overwhelms that system, the brain prioritizes defense over insight.

In plain terms: when a leader lacks the capacity to stay present with strong emotion and feels threatened, curiosity shuts down. Reflection narrows. Relational awareness drops. The brain becomes focused on survival, not growth.

This is why defensiveness and blame feel automatic under pressure—and why humility is not merely a moral virtue, but a neurological achievement. Leaders who can stay regulated in shame can learn. Leaders who cannot, cannot.

Why the Best Leaders Are Humble:

The best leaders are not those who avoid mistakes—avoidance is often motivated by fear. They are those who can face the prospect of failure or making mistakes without collapsing or hardening. Humility is not self-criticism; it is emotional strength.

Patrick Lencioni names what this kind of humility produces on a team: “Trust is knowing that when a team member does push you, they’re doing it because they care about the team.” 3 When leaders remain open, teachable, and relational under pressure, they create environments where people speak honestly, challenge one another productively, and stay aligned—even in disagreement.

Humble leaders don’t deny shame. They process it in relationship, return to stability, and allow it to inform better decisions. Leaders who can do this don’t just recover from setbacks—they grow wiser, more resilient, and more trusted on the other side.

Leaders who cannot accept correction may still drive results for a season, but they will not build trust. And without trust, no organization remains healthy for long—if it was ever truly healthy to begin with.

A Simple Practice for Leaders:

Here's a practical daily discipline:

The Humble Review (5 minutes):

• Ask yourself: Where did something not go as planned?

• Then: What emotion surfaces as I think about it? What do I feel in my body right now?

• Connect with Jesus and return to calm through gratitude.

• Ask Jesus: What adjustment would love, not fear, suggest?

  
  

This trains your nervous system to associate shame with learning rather than danger. And if you really want to strengthen your humility muscle, be collaborative—go to others and ask for their ideas and recommendations.

Why This Matters Beyond Business:

Leaders model how to be human. When a leader can admit mistakes, learn, and change, they create cultures where people tell the truth and grow. That posture carries home, too—into marriages, parenting, and faith.

Your business doesn’t need a flawless leader.

Your family doesn’t need a defensive one.

Your calling doesn’t need a know-it-all.

Setbacks are inevitable. What matters is whether shame becomes a wall—or a doorway.

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¹ Curt Thompson, The Soul of Shame: Retelling the Stories We Believe About Ourselves

(Downers Grove, IL: IVP Books, 2015), 6.

² E. James Wilder and Marcus Warner, Rare Leadership: 4 Uncommon Habits for Increasing

Trust, Joy, and Engagement in the People You Lead (Chicago: Moody Publishers, 2016), 100.

³ Patrick Lencioni, The Five Dysfunctions of a Team (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2002), 196.